Every so often in your life comes a point when you realise you need to make some changes, well now is one of those times.
I was going to make a video of this and put it on here but to be honest with you all, I am not in a good enough emotional state to film it so I am posting this on here about it all but please read to the end as this is an insight into how things can get on top of you and spiral out of control.
But here is a picture of me looking happier as I dont want this to be too gloomy
I set out with this website, Flickr, Twitter and Vimeo to show the world that being a naturist is normal and a great lifestyle. I would go as far as to say I was hoping that I would give something positive to the world of naturism and them in it but I feel that has not been the case recently.
I try to keep this site up to date and post here and on Twitter. I know this time of year is not easy for naturists to get out and about to meet other people and I do admit my content at times drops off due to the weather etc and I seem to have very little activity but I have been trying to juggle a lot of things behind the scenes but now I have too much to be able to cope with so I need to remove some parts.
Online shop ...
I have been losing a fair amount of money, no this is not a plot to get more but a reasoning as to why I am going to do what I am planning to do. I lose on average around £10 - 15 each month on the shop on here selling naturist symbol items so the shop will be closing down in two weeks time forever.
I was making no money on every item I sold as I did it to try to help the logo get more recognized in the naturist community but I personally feel the logo has failed to be accepted. I have been paying out for the online shop costs each month from my own pocket but I have realised I cant keep doing this so I will sell all the current stock I have at half price just so I get something back for it and will have to accept the final loss
My Patreon at one point was bringing in money which I used to help pay for the website and cover the shop losses but since good old Vimeo booted me off my support on Patreon support has dwindled down to a handful of loyal people. Every day I try to post a hi definition picture of me somewhere in my naturist state but I do find this hard as I dont want to make each day on there the same old thing like me stood in my garden or indoors but with the weather getting colder now I feel the pictures may drop off. I intend to keep it going for as long as I can as I feel a duty to those that help me financially via there to give them something in return
This is the sort of picture they get on there, all are hi-def pictures alone with other benefits
I had planned to stop paying for this and to drop back to a standard member on there as it costs about £55 per year but I forgot to do it in time and it has just been renewed for another year so that will be around for another year. I have over 5000 pictures on there but when I drop to a standard member this will drop to 1000
The local naturist swim club ...
I am not going to say much on this other than I have stood down from being on the committee and as membership secretary. I did not feel I had any support nowadays there and after a change in direction of the club I felt it was time I fell back to a standard member. The current pool is basically very cool and is too cold for me to swim as I kept getting a chill in my lower back and as it meant I had to drop my son back midday to his mum I would rather spend time with him than pay to go to a swim I did not enjoy. There is a core group that run the club and they get very little support from the members of the club
This website ...
I paid a couple of months back for two more years of hosting so it will stay! The website will not be effected by these decisions and will continue to be updated with new videos. The van conversion will be the next big series (more on that below). So no change to the website
No changes planned for that either. more of the same on there as that is not too much hassle to post on.
So the other things that have become an issue or that have helped build up to my change in direction.
My son and I both have aspergers so life is not always easy for either of us. He turns 16 this month and needs a lot of support through his exams and onwards into a career so this is obviously a difficult and time consuming problem I am helping him with so I am a little focused on this more than the naturist stuff.
I have been using up all my savings to keep funding the online store and the website etc and now the Patreon support has dropped off I am struggling. I have a good job and I get paid well but I live alone and have to support my son. I have to pay the bills etc by myself at home, which to give some context into, I only own 40% on a mortgage as I cannot afford a big enough mortgage to own a whole house by myself and could only afford to buy that amount of this house.
I took out a bank loan recently to buy a van to convert to a motorhome. I enjoy doing this as a hobby and plan to travel around the UK to naturist campsites etc and make video blogs on them. Well this is the van - well technically its a minibus
Looks lovely, but it dont go! I have spent a lot of money on buying this and now am using up the small bit of savings on it as it wont start. I have spent over £600 on repairs but it still wont start so i am not only in debt to the bank for it but also having to spend money on it to try to make it even run
So all of the above things and more had been getting on top of me and I suddenly realised that I was spiraling down into depression. Luckily I have now spotted the signs and i am trying to do something about it before I travel too far down the rabbit hole that is depression. I had not noticed how everything was getting on top of me and even though I look happy in my pictures it had been a front as deep down I was and i am still unhappy inside.
My back is in such a bad way again now that I am in constant agony each day from it. I have been paying out to visit the chiropractor for a few weeks and it had been getting better but I had a major relapse and it is back to how it was when I started seeing them.
I also noticed that when my son leaves at the weekend I am all alone which make me sad. Yes, when I get home and can be nude indoors I feel better but I miss the company of another person and have come to realise I need a partner. This for a person with aspergers is a nightmare. I dont have the ability to be able to just start and maintain a conversation with someone I dont know, and being a naturist makes this harder as I need to find someone that is also a naturist or is comfortable with me being one.
I dont go out to the pub, I have a very close small friend group, I am not the best at conversation and i am shy around new people yet I feel I need someone to be with, but first I need to get my mental health better ... and that is why I need to make changes.
It is scary to suddenly realise you are going downhill with depression but can still hide it away from everyone and try to put on a brave face. I can look back and see when it came on and can see now how far I had gone downhill without noticing. All the above things had been getting to me and I was not handling them, instead I was just going from one problem to another. The wakeup call came when I had dropped my son home at the weekend and had returned home. I had to do my finances and I looked at how much I had paid out, how much I owe and then saw various emails about the club, my website, the bank, etc and I just sat on the sofa and cried for an hour with my head in my hands.
When I stopped it just clicked in my head - I am depressed.
So for now I am changing things and trying to plot a path back to how I was. Are the plans I have made enough? only time will tell but I urge you to take time to stop and think how your mental health is and see if you are in a good state mentally - I thought I was but see now I was not.
I will get through this, I have in the past so this is not a new thing for me to deal with but it is not an overnight fix. So if I seem quite and have not posted on here or Twitter then it is just because I am focusing on myself and my son and am making sure I am going in the right direction.
Once things are getting better I will update you all on the progress. I am not abandoning the naturist lifestyle or my blogs. I saw a well known Youtuber post a video a week back saying he was done with it all and I think he is just dealing with depression like myself but the difference is I am not done with this website or lifestyle.
All will be ok in the future and its not time to give up. I will be back stronger and better focused very soon